I see many posts about ‘being positive’, ‘staying away from negative /toxic people’, ‘forget the past’, ‘look on the bright side’, positivity quotes..


‘The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimisation and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience’   The Psychology Group Fort Lauderdale

If the message of ‘be positive’ is communicated, what the receiver may feel is e.g. I can’t be vulnerable around you, be sad, you will judge me or you will think I am weak.

Our feeling of psychological safety (a secure base) is when we function best. Trust is built on psychological/emotional safety (in our nervous system).

When someone is being ‘negative’ (e.g. moaning) they are communicating something that is making them unhappy. They are seeking human ‘Connection’ ‘Attachment’ (not attention) and being ‘negative’ is the only way they feel they can communicate their feelings.

By asking them if they are ok or what has happened to them (not what is wrong with them – there is nothing wrong about feeling sad etc.), this validates their feelings and can make a difference to how they are feeling and trust can build in the relationship.

Feelings are feelings – not positive or negative.

Our bodies remember

Regarding forgetting our past, not possible. Our bodies remember and experiences come back as a felt emotion, not always memory (that is why sometimes we don’t understand why we feel how we feel).


So, if we want to build better relationships, having the capacity to understand other (non-judgemental) and self (self-awareness) is key – the WHYS.  We are complex beings indeed and wired for human connection – from being babies!

‘Life is best organised as a series of daring ventures from a secure base’ John Bowlby

A great read by John Bowlby about the importance of a ‘Secure Base’ and the whys.