I see many posts about 'being positive', 'staying away from negative /toxic people', 'forget the past', 'look on the bright side', positivity quotes..


'The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimisation and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience'   The Psychology Group Fort Lauderdale

If the message of 'be positive' is communicated, what the receiver may feel is e.g. I can't be vulnerable around you, be sad, you will judge me or you will think I am weak.

Our feeling of psychological safety (a secure base) is when we function best. Trust is built on psychological/emotional safety (in our nervous system).

When someone is being 'negative' (e.g. moaning) they are communicating something that is making them unhappy. They are seeking human 'Connection' 'Attachment' (not attention) and being 'negative' is the only way they feel they can communicate their feelings.

By asking them if they are ok or what has happened to them (not what is wrong with them - there is nothing wrong about feeling sad etc.), this validates their feelings and can make a difference to how they are feeling and trust can build in the relationship.

Feelings are feelings - not positive or negative.

Our bodies remember

Regarding forgetting our past, not possible. Our bodies remember and experiences come back as a felt emotion, not always memory (that is why sometimes we don't understand why we feel how we feel).


So, if we want to build better relationships, having the capacity to understand other (non-judgemental) and self (self-awareness) is key - the WHYS.  We are complex beings indeed and wired for human connection - from being babies!

'Life is best organised as a series of daring ventures from a secure base' John Bowlby

A great read by John Bowlby about the importance of a 'Secure Base' and the whys.


Employers, Coaches, Mentors... Mind Your Language!

Employers, Coaches, Mentors… Mind Your Language!

When I was supporting victims of crime it was important not to criticise the perpetrator to the victim, for two reasons.

The victim may continue to love that person, especially in a domestic situation, or, by being judgemental about the perpetrator, the victim might think you could be judgemental about them.

Our words are important, so if you struggle what to say to your employees or clients, especially in their difficult times, I can help empower you to build better relationships.

We all need a little support sometimes when we feel stuck.

‘When you judge others, you do not define them; you define yourself” Earl Nightingale

Mental Health Tree Branches Brain Thinking Disorder

Back To School / Nursery

Back To School/Nursery

You can support a child with their anxiety if they have experienced trauma, loss, bereavement with the use of metaphors to help them talk about how they are feeling without giving advice or suppressing how they feel.

This book can help with that process as it is a fairy tale with beautiful illustrations and there is a handy companion guide for adults too.

Counselling, Psychotherapy and Counselling Psychology Supervision and Supervision of Supervision

Counselling, Psychotherapy And Counselling Psychology Supervision And Supervision Of Supervision

If you have or are moving on-line as a Supervisor I can highly recommend this book.

It is important to work safely and ethically on-line and there are differences from face to face work that need to be taken into consideration.

Toxic Shame and Leadership

Toxic Shame and Leadership

I bought this book, not for political reasons, but because Donald Trump is probably the most talked about leader in the world and his emotional deprivation in childhood has had an tremendous effect on his life as an adult, which means it brings into the spotlight how our lives can be blighted by our state of nurture.

The bonus of this book is that the author is his niece, Mary Trump, who is a Clinical Psychologist and has had lived experience of his life.

We also have so much evidence now through neuroscience and larger studies about adverse childhood experiences.  Very different times from the 1950’s when John Bowlby talked about Attachment Theory.

I suspect there will be no surprises in this book regarding the subject of toxic shame/stress on behaviour culminating in poor ego strengths, lack of capacity for humility, loss of self (false self) etc.

There are leaders  who are having a detrimental impact on their workforce because of their childhood experiences but the good news is the brain has plasticity and with support and understanding people can change, if they so wish.

If you read this book I would love to hear your feedback.